“Oh, save it. I thought you said you would love me forever; I guess that was a lie too.”
What?
Wei Wuxian’s bitter eyes shine bright and harried, his cheeks red from a potent combo of alcohol and envy. When he twists, tossing his hair furiously, he stumbles, and Lan Wangji automatically goes to help him. His aid is aggressively tossed off, with a sharp “don’t touch me”.
In his confusion, embarrassment, indignation and hurt, Lan Wangji makes the worst decision he’s ever made.
He freezes.
(How could you worry about propriety at this moment of all times?! He screams at himself, in his unending nightmares, where he relives this moment amongst many others - Go! Follow him! Stop him! Move!)
While murmurs buzz around him, Lan Wangji stares into his drink, trying to understand what could have possibly made his husband publicly lash out at him like this. ‘Now you’re just being blatant about it, huh?’ Blatant about what? Mild irritation boils under his skin as he thinks about things that Wei Wuxian might have been upset about. He has been spending more time with the city orchestra (he’s guqin first chair, he can’t not go), as well as teaching at Qishan Academy. He thought Wei Wuxian would be happy for him; he’s been networking, trying to come out of his shell a little, even reconnecting with an old friend to make things a little easier.
Through his thoughts, he overhears Jin Guangyao tell Lan Xichen that he saw Wei Wuxian leave with Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan. Where was he going? Home? To pick up A-Yuan?
The bitter emotions wane in lieu of regret when he remembers A-Yuan’s smiling face. It’s true Diedie has been missing his home commitments; teaching his gracious son that new song on the guqin is just one of many moments he’s missed ever since his schedule has picked up. His schedule hasn’t overlapped with his husband’s either; missing the Caiyi Town High School event must have meant more to Wei Wuxian than he’d let on at the time.
But to suggest he didn’t love him?
Absurd!
Lan Xichen places a comforting hand on Lan Wangji’s shoulder.
“Didi. Maybe it would be best to give Wei Wuxian some space right now. Let things cool down, and then you can talk later. Okay?”
A ripple of nerves runs through Lan Wangji. Would Wei Wuxian even want to talk? They’ve had arguments before, but not to this level. Normally they would have a short fight, but then one of them would capitulate, they’d talk it out, and then the makeup sex would be glorious. He grimaces when he thinks about the lack of time they’ve had for pleasure as well. Lately it’s just been quickies in the bedroom, or in the shower, Lan Wangji giving his husband all the pleasure he could before departing to the next thing.
Maybe Lan Wangji just…wasn’t paying attention?
(If he could go back, draw out every moment, soothe his husband’s fears, he would.)
The mood of the room has shifted back to normal over the next couple minutes, with his brother and his brother’s partners standing in a sort of guard around him while he gathered his wits, when a devastated scream tears through the room. Hearts hammering, they immediately rush toward the source, finding a hysterically sobbing Madame Jin on the ground. Lan Xichen hustles forward to help when Jin Guangyao wavers in the background.
“What is it? What’s going on?”
The woman that Madame Jin clutches lifts her watery eyes, shaking as she explains.
“Someone saw on their way here… There’s been an accident- a truck- Jin Zixuan’s car was totaled from front and back- they’re currently trying to airlift the bodies to Dafan Hospital- he- he-”
Blood rushes in Lan Wangji’s ears as he tries to comprehend what she’s saying.
The bodies-
Bodies-
Wei Ying?!
Lan Xichen is too late to grab Lan Wangji as he sprints out of the banquet hall and into his car, speeding toward Dafan Hospital. It’s not true, it can’t be-
Surely his husband isn’t-
Not when they were supposed to talk-
It’s not true-
Ten minutes and an egregiously ignored speed limit later, Lan Wangji peels into the parking lot next to the emergency room. He hurries into the lounge and practically slams into the desk, begging incoherently to be taken to his husband.
“Please, please, I need to know if he’s here, I need to know he’s okay.”
“Okay, who-”
“His name is Wei Wuxian, please, he was in an accident, they said his car was totaled, that he was airlifted here, I need to see him, please-”
The nurse at the desk is moving entirely too slow for how desperate Lan Wangji is feeling, and he bounces on his feet in agitation as she makes a couple calls around. When she’s finished, she gives him a pitying look.
“We haven’t officially been able to identify anyone, though we did recently airlift some people in- you’ll have to wait-”
Lan Wangji grips the counter, the fury and hysteria in his eyes causing her to flinch back. Before he can say anything else, like threatening the woman her life if she didn’t find out more right now, he’s pulled away from the counter by firm, yet gentle hands. His older brother leads him away from the counter, trying to get him to sit.
“We can only wait for news right now,” Jin Guangyao comments lightly, directing him toward a seat, and the patient tone makes Lan Wangji snap. Hurling Lan Xichen off, he dashes back into the trauma ward, leaving their panicked voices behind him. There’s so much noise, so much movement, and he doesn’t know where to go- only that Wei Wuxian was somewhere back here, and he needed to be with him-
An oncoming rush of motion makes him automatically leap out of the way. A group of doctors and nurses pull a stretcher past him, a notable trail of blood dripping behind it. Time slows as he gets a full glimpse of the graphic scene. A bloody body is releasing an unhuman groaning noise, as if they want to scream in agony, but can only make this one, piteous, monotone, gurgling sound. One of the nurses holds the person’s head in a vice grip, perhaps to keep their neck stable, or to keep their skull together. The blanket over them is soaked through, one twitching, disfigured arm draped over top. On the person’s hand shines two rings- a silver band, covered in maroon splotches, and another diamond ring. The sapphires and amethysts surrounding the diamond are discolored into garnet, but the ring’s design is unmistakable, and Lan Wangji’s eyes widen in horror.
No-
no no no-
Wei Ying-
“Wei Ying!”
Before he can take even one step after his husband, he feels someone sweep him to the ground.
“I’m sorry, Wangji,” Lan Xichen whispers. “We can’t go back there with him.”
Lan Wangji rarely raises his voice, rarely emotes in public despite how he may be feeling. So, when he opens his mouth and an agonized wail spills out, Lan Xichen knows his brother is far gone emotionally.
“Wei Ying! No! Wei Ying!”
Other orderlies rush to his side, trying to hold down the desperately struggling man as he screams out Wei Wuxian’s name, and eventually he feels the sharp prick of a needle as he is sedated. The last thing Lan Wangji remembers is his head hitting the cold tile floor, eyes tracing the path Wei Wuxian’s blood left behind.
The sun is halfway over the horizon when Lan Wangji opens his eyes, covering the hospital waiting room in a pinkish-gold hue. What should have been beautiful is immediately melancholic when he remembers where he is, and why. His head is heavy, leaning against his brother’s shoulder, a blanket covering them both. Lan Xichen rubs his head gently, likely having already been awake at their trained 5am. Whimpering, Lan Wangji turns his head into the warm shoulder, shivering. Now that he’s awake, he wishes he weren’t- reality is too hard to bear, the image of Wei Wuxian’s exsanguinating body haunting him behind every blink.
How could he fall asleep?
How could he not be there by his husband’s side?
What if he- what if in the night, he’d-
“Shh,” Lan Xichen soothes- apparently he’d been voicing his thoughts. “It’s going to be okay. They’ll update us soon.”
They stay like this until a doctor appears in front of them and begins directing questions at Lan Xichen. How is Lan Wangji feeling, any issues with rest, stupid things that he couldn’t care less about.
“How is my husband?” Lan Wangji asks, his voice thick with exhaustion and fear.
Grimacing, the doctor looks at Lan Xichen as if to confirm Lan Wangji is capable of understanding.
“Wangji, maybe you should first-”
“How is my husband?” he repeats.
The doctor sighs. “Very well. The accident was severe, killing the other two passengers on impact. Your husband wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, so after prying him out with the jaws of life and bringing him here, we spent about the entire night in surgery. Half of Wei Wuxian’s ribs are broken, as well as one of his legs, and one of his arms. He is suffering from whiplash, though miraculously he does not have any severe spinal cord damage. He had internal bleeding in a few places, and still has severe bruising and lacerations all over his body. Finally, he has sustained a traumatic brain injury, and is in critical condition on life support. He will likely be in a coma for some time.”
The doctor pauses, before taking another breath. “If I may be honest- it is due to both the marvels of modern medicine and a miracle that’s keeping him alive. We certainly thought we were witnessing a miracle when we saw how close that rib protrusion was- only 2 millimeters from piercing his lung. I don’t want to be coarse and call him ‘lucky’, but with proper long-term care and support, it’s possible for Wei Wuxian to survive.”
Hearing Wei Wuxian will survive after all of those gruesome injuries is small comfort to Lan Wangji, but it gives him enough courage to then demand to see him.
“Are you sure, didi?” Lan Xichen asks. “It might be a lot for you right now.”
Lan Wangji only nods, stiffly standing from the blanket. Acquiescing, the doctor leads them to the room where Wei Wuxian has been set up. It’s a nice room, apparently handled by Jin Guangyao overnight while Lan Xichen took care of Lan Wangji. The sun reveals the horrors of the previous night in perfect clarity, and Lan Wangji despondently falls into a chair.
The wires from the heart monitor and many tubes from many fluid bags snake into a mummified body. Wei Wuxian is covered head to toe in bandages, slings, a neck brace, and casts. The only exposed space is the area around his pale nose and mouth, where a ventilator is pushed deep into him. If it weren’t for the heart monitor showing a sluggish, yet consistent beat…
“We cleaned these and wanted to return them to you.” The rings gleam in a sandwich bag, and Lan Wangji immediately opens it. They’ve been cleaned delicately enough, that there is no remainder of the blood that soaked them only the night before. Lan Wangji turns to see the inscription on the ring- ‘In This Life Is Enough’. His eyes water as he whimpers, and he says nothing as Lan Xichen graciously thanks the doctor.
What if this life was over? What if Wei Wuxian didn’t make it? The doctors said he would, and he understands that on some level, but it’s so hard to get rid of the dark, coiling fear inside of him that says that Wei Wuxian could be gone at any moment. That bitter, resentful feeling toward himself that whispers how he messed up; how it’s his fault; how if he had just followed; if he’d just known what was wrong; if he’d just paid a little more attention, Wei Wuxian would be at home, his sister and her husband would be alive, and everything would be okay.
Lan Wangji curled his head into the sheet under his husband, a steady flow of tears coming out. Instead of these things, he could only watch as Wei Wuxian struggled and suffered, powerless to do anything, unable to apologize. He hardly notices later on when Lan Xichen pulls him away from the room, allowing a distraught Jiang Wanyin to rush in behind him.
Day 2
Lan Wangji doesn’t remember how, but when he wakes up from that first nightmare, he recognizes that he’s at home, in his bed, that smells so deeply of his husband but lacks his warmth. Grabbing Wei Wuxian’s pillow, he curls around it and in on himself, inhaling deeply until he falls asleep once more.
He’s only got about four hours of sleep when he next awakes to noise in his house. His heart lifts, and for a moment he forgets what all has happened. Naturally that’s Wei Wuxian walking around, moving whatever it is that’s being moved, and when he walks into his living room, he’ll see his sunshine smile as he explains whatever new plan he has for that day.
Instead, his heart and expression sink into his stomach when he sees Lan Xichen, Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue cleaning and organizing his home. Lan Xichen is the first to notice him, and immediately rushes forward, grasping his arms. Lan Xichen looks much better, having the chance to rest.
“Wangji, how are you feeling?” When Lan Wangji doesn’t answer, Lan Xichen continues. “We made sure that A-Yuan is still at his friend A-Yi’s, and that his mother knows what’s going on. He’s very excited; he thinks it’s an extended slumber party.”
Fuck. “Fuck.” Was he such a mess that he’d forgotten about his own son, Lan Wangji laments. The moment he thinks about A-Yuan, panic sets in, and he begins to hyperventilate. He’s guided to the couch, and Lan Xichen gives him a warm cup of tea once his breathing gathers, subtly receiving kisses goodbye from his partners as they leave.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Wangji. You were overwhelmed, it would be hard for anyone to deal with so much at once. He’s safe, and he’s healthy.” He rubs comforting circles into Lan Wangji’s back, and for a little while it seems to help, but then Lan Wangji begins to sniffle.
“What am I going to tell him?”
“Hm?”
“What am I going to tell our son?” Lan Wangji repeats, wracked with despair. He tries his best to put the mug on the table, before wringing his hands tightly. “I was already gone so often, I wasn’t being the best father I could be… how am I supposed to tell him that his Baba almost died, that he won’t be coming home for an indeterminate time? What if Wei Ying doesn’t survive at all, what am I going to say?”
By this time, his head is leaned back fully into the couch, his eyes closed as he weeps.
“I promised, I promised Wei Ying that he and I were soulmates, that having each other in this life was enough. I didn’t keep my word, and he must have been feeling unloved and unsupported, and now he’s struggling to survive. What if I don’t see him anymore? What if I can’t apologize? What if right now he’s thinking, or if he- if he dies thinking that I didn’t love him anymore when nothing is further from the truth?”
“Wangji. You were, and are, a good father and husband. Don’t ever think otherwise. You didn’t know how Wei Wuxian was feeling.”
“I should have.”
“No, he should have communicated. You’re not a mind reader.”
The tone puts Lan Wangji on edge, and he glares defensively at Lan Xichen who sighs.
“I’m not trying to insult Wei Wuxian. I would not do that. He didn’t deserve any of this. But how could you have known how he felt if he didn’t tell you? All we can do now is handle each day as it comes, and to make sure he gets the care that he needs. That you all get the care that you need. When he wakes up, and he will, didi, you make sure you tell him how you’re feeling. You’ll make sure he’s loved because anyone can see how much you love him.”
“He couldn’t.” And he’s the one that mattered most.
“He will. And while we wait for him to wake up, just know- when it comes to handling A-Yuan, and anything else, you have a support system. A-Yao, Mingjue, Uncle, we are all here to make sure you can get through this. You’re not alone. Wei Wuxian wouldn’t want you to be miserable and alone through this. He loves you too. It will be hard, but you can do this.”
Nodding, Lan Wangji tries to take the comfort to heart. Randomly, he remembers the flash of purple as Jiang Wanyin visited Wei Wuxian’s room. He hasn’t reached out, despite knowing that he must be in worse pain than he- losing his sister, a brother-in-law, and almost losing his brother. He shakes off the thought; he’ll eventually contact him, but he doesn’t feel like dealing with it right now. Instead, he takes the small praises from his brother that let him know he’s doing well, that he’s dealing with it well.
He’s not dealing with it well.
The moment Lan Xichen leaves, Lan Wangji finds himself surrounded by reminders of his husband. Pictures, knick-knacks, papers- all of it. It’s confusing at first, because don’t people normally want to be surrounded by things of their loved ones? Why, instead, do these pictures haunt him, taunt him with the knowledge that he didn’t appreciate what he had when he had it? Why do they tell him that he’s an unfit husband, why do they tell him that he was so cold and unloving that Wei Wuxian walked away from him, would rather die than to be unloved by him? This picture is taken down, then that picture, and then soon the entire wall of photos is down and shoved into a box.
When they come back later and suggest that Wei Wuxian’s office be cleared for a guest room, Lan Xichen watches in concern as Lan Wangji coolly packs up everything, trying to shut down the fierce, choking emotions that came with looking at every item. He doesn’t want to see them, it’s silly and it’s unsensible, but right now his mind is telling him it’s not real if he can’t see it and he can’t help it and he just wants them down-
“Wangji. Are you sure about this…compartmentalizing? Don’t you-”
“No.”
There are only three things that Lan Wangji can’t bring himself to pack away- A-Yuan’s drawings of their family, the small picture of Wei Wuxian that sits on A-Yuan’s desk, and Wei Wuxian’s dizi. He can’t bring himself to pack away the dizi because he can’t even bring himself to touch the beautiful instrument- music helped bring them together, this instrument contained part of Wei Wuxian’s soul- to touch it almost feels like he’d be desecrating it. When he hears Lan Xichen gently calling him, mentioning news about a funeral, he pushes the drawer back in.
Day 30
The first signs of a larger problem occur at the funeral of Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli. Madame Jin sobs over their caskets, Jin Guangshan standing awkwardly at her side. Jiang Wanyin represents the last of the Jiang bloodline, and he stands stoically at the front of the procession. Just before this funeral, Lan Wangji ran into him at Wei Wuxian’s bedside, his eyes bloodshot. They get along well enough in public as Lan Wangji murmurs his condolences and moves on. It truly is a shame about Jiang Yanli; Wei Wuxian adored his Shijie- she was often the first person outside of Lan Wangji that he would go to for advice or help. Where Madame Yu was cold, brusque, and cruel, Jiang Yanli made sure Wei Wuxian felt unconditional love, support, and a tender hand, and Lan Wangji could never thank her enough for that. The fact that he’s unaware of this loss cuts deep into Lan Wangji’s soul.
The crowd is dispersing from the completed ceremonies, and Lan Wangji is walking away from the low hanging cherry blossom trees when Jiang Wanyin pulls him to the side to speak privately. The man’s face always seemed to be perpetually annoyed, but today in particular the wrinkles in his forehead were deep as he glared at Lan Wangji. He’d long stopped being offended by the glares; he didn’t think Jiang Wanyin was capable of other faces.
The sentiment would not last when the next sentence was spoken.
“I’ll be taking custody of Jin Ling.”
Shaking his head and frowning, Lan Wangji folds his arms.
“No.” He’d been in a good enough headspace when Jin Guangyao brought up the elephant in the room to realize that he’d need to make space for A-Ling to join them, that it was Jiang Yanli’s wish for them to take in the child should something happen.
Jiang Wanyin barks a hard chuckle, followed by a sneer. “I don’t believe I was asking, Lan Wangji.”
“It would be unnecessary of you, yes.”
Lan Wangji turns to walk away, and Jiang Wanyin grabs his arm.
“Look, I don’t know who you think you are, but surely you don’t think you’re better to raise him than his uncle?”
Snatching away his arm, Lan Wangji feels rage seething in his chest. “I am his uncle.”
“No, Wei Wuxian is his uncle. And he might as well be-”
“Don’t you dare.” The malevolent hiss rises deep from within Lan Wangji, and Jiang Wanyin can’t help but take a step back in alarm before bristling himself.
“I’ll see you in court then.”
“So you will.”
Two strained months later, Lan Wangji, his family, and his lawyers stand across the room from Jiang Wanyin, Madame Jin, and his lawyers as they deliver final arguments. It’s taking everything in his self-control to not jump over the railing and choke Jiang Wanyin and the bastard of a lead lawyer that they hired.
Part of the issue is that Lan Wangji has firmly attached to this as something to help keep his mind focused, to take some sort of control in this unsure time. Wei Wuxian, though incapacitated, is alive, and no one else will take anything from him or treat him as if he is dead. He’s not here to defend himself and be damned if Lan Wangji doesn’t defend him in his stead. In a roundabout way, he’s trying to prove his devotion to his unconscious husband. His lawyers argue that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were asked to be the godparents, that it’s in their will that if something happened to them, Jin Ling should go to them, and finally that they have a child, and have shown that they are capable and kind parents.
Jiang Wanyin’s lead lawyer argues that Wei Wuxian is on life support, and “as cruel as it sounds, is essentially a corpse right now.” The entire court gasps in shock at the damning words, and it rocks Lan Wangji to his core enough that he has to sit down before he does something foolish. The lawyer argues that the wishes were for both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, not simply Lan Wangji, and that Jiang Wanyin is a blood relative of Jiang Yanli, unlike Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, so why should Jin Ling not go to real family? The blows are quite cruel, even Jiang Wanyin seeming slightly aghast at some of the final arguments made, though Madame Jin seems firm in her choice of representation.
The judge settles, finally bringing it down to the paperwork- Lan Wangji gets weekdays, and Jiang Wanyin gets weekends. Lan Wangji finds a quiet area in the building to calm down, but immediately wants to settle things with his fists when he sees Jiang Wanyin searching for him. The nerve the man has to walk toward him! Jiang Wanyin at least has the decency to look ashamed of himself when he offers a stiff bow and apologizes.
“I don’t agree with some of the things Madame Jin’s lawyers said about my brother.”
Lan Wangji stares down his nose. “Oh, now he’s your brother? Are you sure?”
“Of course, he’s my fucking brother!” Jiang Wanyin glares, fists tight. “I knew, loved and supported Wei Wuxian long before you ever entered the picture, Lan Wangji- don’t insult our relationship!”
“I didn’t have to- you already did with that two-month long spectacle and that little finale in there!”
“Well, we wouldn’t be here at all if he didn’t think his husband was cheating on him!”
Recoiling in abject horror, Lan Wangji inhales sharply, and Jiang Wanyin looks repentant.
“No, no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Nie Huaisang heard what had happened, and we made the connection, and it’s stupid, he never should have thought that. It was petty of me to say. This whole thing was petty, it’s just-” A shuddering sob runs through Jiang Wanyin as he forces out the rest. “I’m alone, Lan Wangji. I had to try. I don’t have my parents, I lost my Jiejie, I don’t know what’s going to happen to my brother. I just… I just wanted my nephew. We love him so much, being A-Ling’s uncle is something special to me and Wei Wuxian.”
Bitterly, Lan Wangji understands his obsession, shares it, even. But he has a long time to go before he’ll ever forgive Jiang Wanyin for the foul things stated in that drawn out custody battle.
“So, take care of him. A-Ling better not ever want for anything. I will be an active part of his life, so we’re going to make this work. If not for me, for Wei Wuxian. He wouldn’t want us to argue, and he wouldn’t want our nephew to suffer from that. Please.”
It hardly seems Jiang Wanyin’s place to invoke Wei Wuxian’s name, especially after everything that has happened, but Lan Wangji stiffly nods. If not for himself, for A-Ling, and for his husband.
Month 6
In this entire situation, as Lan Wangji tried to get his life back together, he could say one thing- A-Yuan was truly a blessing. He’d cried miserably in the beginning when Lan Wangji (with much moral support from Lan Xichen) had to explain his Baba’s state to him, as any child would. Still, after the first couple months, he’d stepped up to the plate quite well, more mature than any child Lan Wangji had ever met. He tried to help his Diedie, who was now suddenly home more often during a six month hiatus from teaching, bringing him water and snacks and trying to help with chores where he could. A-Yuan was very obedient when the Bobos came over, showing them where things were and remembering what tasks they needed to do, even impressing Nie Mingjue. He was always a self-sufficient child, well taught by his parents to clean himself and clean up after himself, and Lan Qiren consistently praised him. Pleased, he tried to teach a rambunctious baby A-Ling the same. Of course, A-Ling was still a baby, crying and babbling, but the determination in A-Yuan’s eyes as he wanted to be the ‘best big cousin ever’ was admirable. He even learned how to clean up after Bichen and Suibian, who’d noticeably been sniffing around for their missing, loud-mouth, furless bunny parent.
Lan Wangji doesn’t know where he’d be without A-Yuan, who’s been as pivotal to his healing as his brother and his uncle. Every morning he hugs the child for a long time, leading to awkward squeals and shrugs as A-Yuan struggled to leave his grasp so that they can go to school and he can ‘go show A-Yi his homework’ and how he’d ‘make Baba so proud, he’s mastered minusing- I mean, subtracting!’
“You haven’t been giving A-Yi your homework assignments, have you?”
“No, Diedie! I told him it was cheating when he asked.”
Still, he’s only six, and it was only a matter of time before it was too much.
It starts with spilled juice. A-Yuan watches in horror as the apple juice stains his clean uniform shirt yellow, getting over his khakis as well.
“Oh no!” he cries, pushing away from the table. “I have to go put on a new outfit, Diedie! Sorry!”
He rushes out of the kitchen as Lan Wangji cleans up the mess behind him, unwilling to mention the no-running rule (he’s forgotten many rules lately). He’s only lucky that A-Ling was being dropped off at daycare by Jiang Wanyin this morning, so there aren’t two children to pick up after today.
It hasn’t been a good morning.
When he hears a pained cry from the bedroom, he races back.
Please don’t be hurt-
Diedie’s heart can’t take it-
He sighs in relief when A-Yuan is fine, but his bookbag contents have spilled all over the floor. He goes to reach for his papers, but trips, landing on one and tearing it in half. For a moment there is a still silence as A-Yuan realizes that it’s his beloved math homework. His eyes fill with tears, and his body begins to quake as he tosses the paper.
“I can’t take it anymore!”
The loud roar of frustration is followed by a scream as he collapses onto the floor on top of the rest of the papers, kicking and screaming and crying.
“Nothing is right! Nothing! I hate it! My tummy hurts! Where’s Baba! I want Baba to come home!”
Quickly Lan Wangji wraps him into a firm embrace, and A-Yuan kicks and screams some more, releasing his restless energy and emotions before wearing out, sobbing as he holds onto his father. A few tears of his own slip out as Lan Wangji rocks A-Yuan, holding tightly. Snotting and weeping, A-Yuan leans back to beg.
“I don’t wanna go to school today, Diedie. My stomach hurts, I don’t feel good. I don’t wanna go!”
“You don’t have to go today.” Still caressing A-Yuan, Lan Wangji goes to run a warm bubble bath. When the tub is half full of water, he lifts A-Yuan’s head. “Take a bath. When you’re finished, we can spend time together today.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
While A-Yuan calms down in the tub, playing with toys, Lan Wangji calls Qishan, letting them know that A-Yuan won’t be in that day. Once that’s finished, he gets A-Yuan out of the bath and lets him put on his favorite red bunny pajamas- a gift from his Baba. He makes his favorite treats, lets him play with the bunnies, and lets him nap in his lap for an hour while he comforts him. He knows he’s not enough to replace Baba, not that he’d ever try. Wei Wuxian was always the more warm, physically affectionate parent, always knowing just what to say and what to do when there were tears for any reason. Even when he was in charge of bad news and punishments, they were always delivered in a way that made sure A-Yuan knew he was in the wrong and did better- that’s how warm and personable he was.
“I wanna see Baba.”
The small, sleepy request is earnest. They haven’t taken him to see Wei Wuxian; it was determined it would be too scary for a little child to see their father still wrapped in bandages, hardly recognizable.
“Baba is still healing and cannot talk right now.” The answer is lackluster, and it shows in A-Yuan’s frustrated reply as he kicks his feet.
“Diedie… I’m scared. What if he doesn’t come home? I want to talk to Baba, I just wanna see him. What if I don’t remember him? All his pictures except for the one in my room are gone Diedie, we don’t even talk about him and I’m so sad…”
Guilt pools in Lan Wangji’s stomach as he realizes how selfish he’s been. Where he was trying to compartmentalize, to deal with things without reminders, he’s also taken away A-Yuan’s chance to understand what is going on. A-Yuan doesn’t get to see Wei Wuxian every day like he does.
Placing A-Yuan down, Lan Wangji retrieves his laptop. When he sits, A-Yuan curls in his lap, excited. It doesn’t take much to find some of their old albums, and he lets A-Yuan take control as he scrolls from picture to picture, smiling and laughing. Wei Wuxian beams from each picture- one is from a Halloween party, where he poses in cat ears, with A-Yuan on his hip. Another is of them at an apple farm- he can remember Wei Wuxian’s cheery voice mentioning how he wanted to make drunken apple cider, and how he told A-Yuan he’d have to wait until he was ‘old like Baba’ to have that. There are many selfies, of A-Yuan and Wei Wuxian, of Wei Wuxian himself, and of Wei Wuxian squeezing up next to him for selfies.
“Ew, you’re kissing Baba in this one, Diedie!” A-Yuan squeals at one picture, pointing. Lan Wangji chuckles; the picture was from one of their anniversary photos, where they’d gone out with a group of friends. The kiss was not all that happened that night, for sure.
A-Yuan offers commentary on each picture, some of memories and others of just guesses, and the relief in his voice is echoed in Lan Wangji’s soul. He didn’t realize how much he needed this reminder. Hearing it from others was one thing but hearing it from the mouth of their child seemed to push back the demons in a way no one else could. Lan children don’t lie, and A-Yuan was no exception- if he saw love, if he saw happiness, it must have been there. Wetness soaks his shirt as he looks through the pictures of his vivacious husband, and when A-Yuan turns in concern, Lan Wangji folds him into another hug.
“Diedie?”
Lan Wangji curls into the child, his forehead on his shoulders. “A-Yuan… please forgive your Diedie, A-Yuan. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault, it was my own fears that made me look away, that made me take your Baba from you… I’m sorry… I’m not ready yet, but I will try, so please be patient…”
Of course, like the perfect child he was, A-Yuan forgave him. They spent a couple more hours going through pictures and eating lunch until A-Yuan fell asleep again. He’s laying him down into bed when he receives a phone call.
“Hello, we’re calling from Dafan Hospital, for Lan Wangji?”
His heart stops. “Yes?”
“We wanted to let you know that we’ll be removing some of the casts and bandages from Wei Wuxian today, if you wanted to be there.”
“Of course.”
After a swift call to the Bobos, Jin Guangyao arrives to babysit, and Lan Wangji heads to the hospital. When he arrives, Jiang Wanyin is already there, still in his office clothes. No matter how they might feel about each other, the hospital was neutral grounds. They both enter the room, and after an explanation of what was going to happen, they watch as some of the casts are removed and replaced with lighter slings, and the bloody bandages are removed.
By the time Wei Wuxian has been properly cleaned and cared for, they can see more of the atrophied, exhausted body underneath. His head is still wrapped up and his brace remains, though his gaunt face only covered by the oxygen mask. His long hair is gone, the tufts of his sheared hair now sticking out at his ears. Though he understands the medical purpose, Lan Wangji still frowns. Wei Wuxian was vain about his long hair, always flashing his ponytail as if it were another limb. In fact, all of the life still seems drained from his face, the dark circles under his eyes and the bluish veins showing from his pale skin unnerving.
No, A-Yuan didn’t need to see his Baba like this. Not yet.
The doctor is kind, discussing long-term care with both men. Wei Wuxian was long enough into his healing process that in a month or so he could be discharged into a facility for coma-patients and eventual rehabilitation, he explained. He’d healed very well, his bones setting back into place cleanly and on their way to healing, the internal bleeding and bruising going away, the cuts healing. The only major injuries left were from the whiplash and the head injury. The doctor then explained that if they needed any suggestions, he could find them the resources.
“Jiang Wanyin will be able to handle that paperwork.” Lan Wangji states. Jiang Wanyin double-takes, turning to Lan Wangji in shock. “So long as I get to confirm the final choice, and it is somewhere safe and appropriate for my husband, I trust his care to his brother.”
After a day of acknowledging his own mistakes, he was feeling gracious. This, at least, he could do. It was one less thing off of his shoulders, and it would allow Jiang Wanyin to feel more a part of the process.
Jiang Wanyin doesn’t thank him, but he does offer a small smile before diving into the details with the doctor.
Month 8
The small office is covered in plants- potted succulents, aloe vera, pretty blue orchids, big leafy vines, little unidentifiable things that Lan Wangji thinks are herbs. Where there aren’t plants, there are pretty decorations; fans, watercolor paintings, and on one wall in particular, multiple framed degrees for a Dr. Wen Qing. The small seats that he and Jiang Wanyin sit in are a comfortable red velvet, in front of the utilitarian mahogany desk with full bookshelves behind it. The shy nurse who brought them in, Wen Ning, offered them waters while they waited, saying that his Jiejie was busy but would be with them shortly. Wen Ning was such a quiet, peaceful man, that Lan Wangji couldn’t have imagined that the powerhouse that strut into the room was his sister.
Dr. Wen Qing sat at her desk promptly, placing down some folders labeled with Wei Wuxian’s name, before folding her legs. She stares at both men for a couple of moments, her piercing green eyes analyzing them. Pleased with whatever she saw, she holds out a hand.
“Hello; my name is Dr. Wen Qing, but you can call me Dr. Wen, and I’m pleased you’ve come to us at Smiling Statue Long Term Care.”
“Lan Wangji,” he replies, accepting the firm pump.
“Jiang Wanyin,” Jiang Wanyin replies hoarsely, “though you can call me Jiang Cheng.”
Lan Wangji noticeably side-eyes the blushing man; surely, he did not settle upon this rehabilitation center because of an infatuation with the lead doctor?
“Quite. Well, Lan Wangji, Jiang Wanyin, it is nice to meet you.” Years of self-discipline stop Lan Wangji from letting an amused snort slip. “To get to the business of things, I’ve checked Wei Wuxian’s file, and I want to assure you that he will receive excellent care here at Smiling Statue. He seems to be healing well right now, which is amazing given the circumstances, but as I’m sure you’re aware, he will need further treatment to make sure his body stays in functioning condition while he is unconscious?”
They both nod in reply, and Lan Wangji finds himself liking this doctor. Wei Wuxian would like her temperament as well; brusque yet sharply intelligent, getting to the point of things without any fluff. Dr. Wen gets into the details thereafter, explaining how Wei Wuxian’s stay would be, visiting hours, what they would generally look forward to in his treatment, costs, and so on. It’s about a half hour later when she rises from her desk.
“Come, I’ll show you around the center.”
She shows them to a room similar to the one Wei Wuxian would be staying in- it was light, airy, with a hospital bed and a couple chairs for visitors to sit in. This room in particular was faced toward the city, though Smiling Statue was far enough away from the urban center that it served as a beautiful sort of skyline.
“I want him to be in a room like this. He would like the view of the sky and the cityscape,” Lan Wangji comments to Jiang Wanyin, who grunts his assent. They go to the physical therapy offices, where they shake hands with Wei Wuxian’s future physical therapist, Song Zichen. Song Zichen shows explains the sort of exercises that, once Wei Wuxian’s bones fully heal, they would take him through daily.
“When he wakes up, we will bring him into this room,” he explains, pointing out the small gym area. “We will start small, focusing on certain areas, and work our way up. Of course, we make sure to teach family members and guardians these exercises, so that they may help just in case.”
Lan Wangji appreciates the man’s firm optimism, that he speaks in ‘when’s’ and not ‘ifs’. Thanking Song Zichen, Dr. Wen leads them to the psychiatry section, where they meet a kindly man named Dr. Xiao Xingchen. His therapy room is light blue, with two white fluffy chairs and a small recliner. It has a small incense burner that smells of eucalyptus and a tiny water fountain, giving the illusion of complete space and peace.
“We tend to have our patients go through some mental health and stability checks anyway,” Dr. Wen explains, “But if you would like, or it seems necessary, Dr. Xiao holds therapy sessions during the patient’s stay.”
Overall, by the time the tour at Smiling Statue is over, Lan Wangji is pleased with the choice. There’s only one thing that he wants to make sure of.
“One of your policies, about hair length- is this mandatory?”
Dr. Wen raises an eyebrow. “Of course. For all coma patients, for health and cleanliness reasons, we keep their hair short.”
“Mn. Is there nothing I can do to compromise on this? He… he loves his hair; he will be distraught that it is short.”
Shaking her head, Dr. Wen gives him a pitying look. “No can do.”
“It’s just hair,” Jiang Wanyin scoffs. “He should be lucky to be alive.”
Before Lan Wangji can argue, Dr. Wen holds up a hand, returning a severe glare that eats Jiang Wanyin’s whole.
“Now, let me get one thing clear here, Jiang Wanyin. My patients are human beings. It is understandable that anyone would be upset about the loss of the identifiable things that make them who they are, especially after waking up after so long a time.” Satisfied that she’s shut him down, she turns a softer look to Lan Wangji. “It is not out of cruelty that we make the choice, but so that we can take better care of them.”
Disgruntled but understanding, Lan Wangji agrees.
A couple days later, Wei Wuxian is officially moved into SSLTC, and once he’s settled into the room, Lan Wangji takes a long look at him. From where they began, he is looking considerably better. Though the dark circles remain under his eyes, and the bandages are still around his head, the rest of his body is no longer discolored.
He makes the choice then and there, contacting his brother. The sun is low in the sky as he drives back, with A-Yuan in his booster seat.
“Are we going to see Baba?” A-Yuan whispers, the energy tense.
“Mn.”
“Can he talk to me now?”
Lan Wangji swallows. “No, Baba still can’t speak. He’s still asleep, and he’s still healing. But you can talk to him if you’d like.”
“I think it would make him happy! He’ll have good dreams, where he sees Diedie and A-Yuan!”
“Mn.”
The hospital is a little overwhelming at first, and Lan Wangji has to carry A-Yuan to Wei Wuxian’s room.
“Are you ready, A-Yuan? You don’t have to do this if not.” He doesn’t know if he’s speaking to his son, or himself.
“Yes.”
When he opens the doors, A-Yuan sharply inhales, gripping Lan Wangji’s sleeves painfully. The heart monitor and the gasp of the oxygen tank seem to scare him, but after a couple moments, he tugs to be let down. Slowly, he moves over to Wei Wuxian’s side, gripping his cold hand in his tiny one.
“Hi, Baba,” he whispers. “I miss you. Bichen and Suibian miss you. Diedie misses you a lot. I don’t know when you’re going to wake back up, but I brought you some pictures! I’m gonna draw every day, just so you can see the important stuff!” Sniffling, he straightens his shoulders. “And, and I’m gonna save you movies on the tablet, so that we can watch them together! So… wake up, Baba. Please?”
Holding back his emotions, Lan Wangji goes to sit in the chair next to them both.
“Why don’t you tell him about your day at school, A-Yuan? About how you got the high score on your spelling test?”
A-Yuan lights up, pulling out the test from his small bookbag. “Listen, Baba! I spelled everything right! A-Yi missed four words, but I helped him spell them right afterwards! I got a star on there, it’s bright blue with sparkles!”
For the next half hour, A-Yuan happily tells Wei Wuxian about his day, only mildly saddened that he was not receiving a response. When he turns to Lan Wangji for approval, or for extra help, Lan Wangji fills in the blanks as needed. Soon, he begins to peter out, barely keeping his eyes open.
“I’ll be back, Baba. I’m going to come in with Diedie every day! I won’t miss anything!”
After picking up A-Yuan, Lan Wangji places a gentle hand on Wei Wuxian’s cheek.
“We’ll be back tomorrow, Wei Ying. I promise.”
The next day, Lan Wangji runs into Jiang Wanyin leaving Wei Wuxian’s room. They come to an accord that they would each visit for their lunches, and Lan Wangji would bring A-Yuan for time after dinner. The nurses began to recognize them on sight after a while, greeting them and asking A-Yuan about his day. Wen Ning in particular becomes their favorite, as he’s always so gentle with A-Yuan, watching him and patiently explaining things that Lan Wangji may not be able to answer. Wen Ning also doesn’t require small talk from Lan Wangji, which he appreciates, though when he tries to plead with the nurse about his husband’s hair, the man quails under even the thought of his sister.
He feels a little silly at first, talking to his unresponsive husband about readjusting to part-time teaching, about grading papers, about which students have ideas that Wei Wuxian might be interested in. Lan Wangji was already a rare speaker, usually letting his husband fill the silence. It becomes a little easier (and yet a little harder at the same time) a couple months in when they remove Wei Wuxian from the oxygen tank. Without the rasping sound of the tank, the only thing reminding Lan Wangji that he’s not simply asleep is the heart monitor next to him. But, after a while, it doesn’t even require thought to update Wei Wuxian on the day, on how A-Ling and A-Yuan are, and even more.
He still doesn’t talk about his feelings.
About how some mornings are so hard, but that he puts on a brave face for A-Yuan, A-Ling and his students.
About how at night, he rarely sleeps more than five hours because the nightmares keep him up for half the night, and he has to swallow them down so that he doesn’t wake his son and nephew.
About how sometimes he wishes he’d been in that car with Wei Wuxian, so that they could still be together, that he felt left behind.
He doesn’t feel like he deserves to.
Instead, he just kisses him before he leaves, every time.
Year 1- Anniversary of the day
This day has been haunting Lan Wangji in his periphery for weeks, leaving him on edge more and more with every passing day. It’s unavoidable, and yet it still seems to hit him like a freight train when he jerks awake from a specifically bad nightmare. This time, Lan Wangji was standing alone over Wei Wuxian’s body as he bled out, making that dreadful noise as he stared at Lan Wangji, silently begging him release from the pain. Lan Wangji remembers how he sobbed furiously, but he couldn’t make the choice- he couldn’t let him die, not without him, please don’t go-
It was 1pm by the time Lan Wangji dragged himself out of bed, laying on the floor for fifteen minutes more. The only small mercy was that his children didn’t have to see him like this; A-Yuan and A-Ling were with the Bobos today. He couldn’t even look A-Yuan in his eyes when he handed him to Lan Xichen the night before, who pulled him to the side.
“Wangji, you don’t have to be alone for this,” he pled. “Please, stay with us. We’ll take care of you.”
Lan Wangji only shook his head, unable to speak, before fleeing back into the night. He doesn’t want anyone to see this. He’d bought four of Wei Wuxian’s favorite wines and had already gone through two bottles before he’d fallen asleep. Now, instead of being unconscious, he’s just stressed, unnerved, and nauseous. Ignoring his body, he pops open a third bottle and begins to drink it, feeling like it’s only leaking back out of his eyes. In fury, he finishes the bottle, stumbles to the trash can, and slams it in, satisfied when he hears the glass break.
Why did Wei Wuxian like to drink, anyway? Where was the pleasure that his husband always felt, dancing and singing across the living room whenever he drank? Lan Wangji was feeling none of that; his sadness did not go away, if anything it only made him feel even more susceptible to his chaotic emotions.
When he looks down, he sees some spilled red wine on his hands, and his eyes quiver with horror when the red wine begins to look like the same blood in his dreams. His husband’s blood.
Need to get it off, need to get it off-
Stumbling and falling into the wall, he makes it back to the bathroom and turns on the faucet, pausing to look at himself. His golden eyes are strained and panicked, his skin shining with sweat as his hair sticks to it, cheeks as red as Wei Wuxian’s that night. The night he stormed away from Lan Wangji, away into the near clutches of death. No longer just seeing the blood on his hands, he sees the blood all over the groaning body, he feels it trickling over his skin, and he feels like he needs to bathe.
The shower hisses to life, and Lan Wangji tries to wash away all of the tears along with the wine and the blood that he can’t seem to unsee. He tries to bring his breathing down, remembering all of the mediation tips that his uncle had imparted onto him. Lan Xichen had also tried to teach him ways to ground himself when he had these panic attacks; and he tries to think of better things. The soap, the shampoo, the steam making it easier to breathe. Lan Wangji opens his bottle of sandalwood body wash, thinking that the familiar smell would be helpful, but on this day, even this has a memory attached.
(How could he forget? It was the morning before that night.)
The steam rolled throughout the bathroom, the smell of sandalwood permeating the thick air. The atmosphere is so full, Lan Wangji feels lightheaded as his husband fervently rides him inside of the shower. Their sweat from their exertion mixes with the water, pouring down their bodies and washing away.
This was not his intention this morning; by all accounts, he’s going to be late for orchestra. Still, he’d only washed about half of his body when Wei Wuxian slipped into the shower with him, taking the soap and offering to massage him with it. The massage started simply enough, with Wei Wuxian running mischievous fingers up and down his back, moving to his chest, rubbing over sensitive nipples, and caressing lower.
“Can I interest you in something else, Lan Zhan?” he purred, leaving Lan Wangji gasping when he grabbed his member and began to stroke.
“Wei Ying… I have rehearsal, you know I have to go-”
“Shh, I know, love. I can be quick. I may not have my limitless stamina from undergrad, but I can still get you there in time.”
“Wei Ying-”
Wei Wuxian sighs in frustration, before batting his eyelids.
“Let me do this for you, er-gege- just a little of your time, please.”
(What he’d seen as a flirtatious whine could now be seen as a plead for attention, for affection)
When Lan Wangji nods, Wei Wuxian gratefully sinks to his knees, rinsing the soap off before taking him in his mouth, licking the tip before pushing all the way back. Lan Wangji can’t help the jerk of his hips, shocked at how sudden he fell onto him. The sloppy sounds are slowly drawing the tension out of him, along with his husband’s expert tongue. When he grasps Wei Wuxian’s hair, silver-grey eyes flash at him with pleasure and excitement. Just when Lan Wangji is almost there, he pulls away, lips a bruised red. He smashes his lips into Lan Wangji’s, pushing him back to the wall and grinding up against him.
Before Lan Wangji can think to stop him, Wei Wuxian jumps into his arms. Reaching down, he grabs Lan Wangji’s dick and begins to push down onto it, his eyes rolling back into his head when he finally slides down to the hilt. The slickness lets Lan Wangji know that Wei Wuxian had thought far in advance about this moment.
“Don’t you want me, Lan Zhan?” he whispers, voice desperate. He rolls his hips, slapping down. “Because I want you. So badly.”
(‘Don’t you still want me’ is what Wei Wuxian had been asking him.)
Their fucking is hard and fast, Lan Wangji doing his best not to finish before his gorgeous husband. Still, in the back of his head, he knows that he’s still rushing, spending a lot more time than he has.
“Fuck, fuck, er-gege, yes-” Wei Wuxian moaned, tossing his head back as he rolled his hips up and down. Lan Wangji leans his back against the shower, using all his strength to brace himself against the wall so that he can meet every slap of wet skin. Wei Wuxian reaches a slick hand down to himself, and it only takes a couple pumps before he’s coming heavily, moans echoing loudly around them. Lan Wangji follows soon after, the tight clenching around him enough to push him to orgasm.
For a moment they breath heavily in each others’ arms before Lan Wangji begins to pull away. Gripping him tightly, Wei Wuxian pulls him back, before placing both his hands on Lan Wangji’s face.
“Wei Ying, I-”
“I know, Lan Zhan. I know,” Wei Wuxian relents, stepping down. “I just… let me look at you, er-gege. Give me one moment to look at you.”
The intensity in his gaze is hard to avoid, and Lan Wangji moves forward to offer a small kiss before gently removing Wei Wuxian’s hands.
“I love you, Wei Ying, but we will have to talk later, okay?”
“Okay.”
Rinsing then shuffling out of the shower, Lan Wangji turns momentarily to see a sad smile on Wei Wuxian’s face as he waves goodbye.
“Have a good day at rehearsal, Lan Zhan,” he murmurs, closing the curtain to bathe.
Screaming in frustration, Lan Wangji tosses the bottle to the other side of the tub. There’d been so many signs that morning, and he’d managed to overlook them all!
I just want to go back-
I can do it right-
Wei Ying, give me another chance, I’m here-
Closing his eyes, Lan Wangji tries to force the memory further.
Instead of leaving, he speeds back, dropping his towel and tossing the curtain open. Wei Wuxian jumps, blushing as he reflexively covers himself.
“Lan Zhan,” he teases. “I know I’m your husband, but still! Shameless!”
Even in his fantasies, Lan Wangji can’t help but hold tight to him, clinging to the warm, wet skin.
“I want Wei Ying. I’ll always want Wei Ying. I’ll always need you.”
Before Wei Wuxian can possibly question his devotion, Lan Wangji brings their lips together, offering a few tricks of the tongue that leaves Wei Wuxian’s toes curling in pleasure.
“Er-gege!” Wei Wuxian breathes. He gasps when Lan Wangji grasps his waist, flipping him around to face the wall, pressing him to the warming tile. “What about rehearsal? They’re going to need their first chair- ah!”
His argument is interrupted when Lan Wangji thrusts back inside him, leaning his head down on Wei Wuxian’s shoulder as he wraps his arms around his chest and hips.
“I don’t care about them. I don’t care!”
Biting down into Wei Wuxian’s shoulder, he begins to move slowly, his motions fluid as he possessively grinds. The small, light moans that Wei Wuxian releases feel like weights falling off of his shoulders.
“I’m here, Wei Ying. I’m not going anywhere. You have me today, and forever.”
The small giggles in response to his promises make him pause, guilt trying to consume him, and he pauses.
“Forgive me, my love.”
“For what, Lan Zhan?”
For not being here-
For not noticing that you needed me-
For not realizing how much I needed you-
His thoughts are a mess as he begins to move faster and faster, moving to grip one of Wei Wuxian’s hands as their fingers tighten together in ecstasy.
“Look at me, Wei Ying.” The command is hoarse, and when Wei Wuxian doesn’t turn, Lan Wangji’s spirits falter. “Please, my love, let me look at you, too.”
Finally, Wei Wuxian turns around, and Lan Wangji takes in his sad, disbelieving eyes.
(He wants to beg him not to look at him that way, but of course he can’t- how dare he?)
He squeezes his eyes tight in response, thrusting harder to bring them both to completion. They both come again, Lan Wangji’s cries a loud, potent combination of pleasure and regret, before collapsing to the floor of the tub.
Lan Wangji opens his eyes, sat on the tub floor, his arms empty of his husband. Even in his dreams he couldn’t avoid the disappointment in Wei Wuxian’s face. At least he’s no longer crying; despite the conclusion, the orgasm was enough to slow his heart. Now he just lays blank in the lukewarm water, skin wrinkling. Once it gets to be uncomfortable, he gets out of the shower, drying off and crawling back into the bed.
Even though it’s been hard, Lan Wangji could objectively say that there were days where things seemed to be getting better. He’s been able to care for his kids, teach, practice his music, take care of himself. But some days, he has setbacks. Today feels like a setback, and at the core of it all, remains one truth:
He misses Wei Wuxian.
Lan Wangji misses hearing his happy voice, he misses hearing his sometimes-inane stories, misses hearing the dizi as he happily ad-libbed while dancing around their home. He misses him reading stories to A-Yuan, teasing him about his math homework, misses him playing with Bichen and Suibian. He misses holding him, misses his warmth, his limitless affection, cuddling as they watched movies.
Everything just feels emptier without him by his side, especially on this day that reminds him of his regrets so pointedly. When the lust-filled thoughts disperse, they unveil a new insecurity, one that leaves Lan Wangji frozen to his core:
What if Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to be with him anymore?
What if he blames him for the entire incident?
He walked out thinking that Lan Wangji didn’t love him anymore- what if this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back? What if he didn’t forgive Lan Wangji? It would be well-deserved, he feels, to have to re-earn Wei Wuxian’s trust, to re-earn that love that he felt he’d taken for granted.
Even these thoughts are too dark for Lan Wangji, and he gropes around for his laptop under the bed before pulling it up, opening the screen and going back to the same albums he and A-Yuan looked through every other day. He opens up one of the oldest ones that they haven’t gone through yet and begins to scan through each picture. As he clicks through, a ‘play’ symbol ends up on his screen, and his heart almost stops. There have been videos before, but usually at parties or in outings, of everyone surrounding Wei Wuxian in that environment.
Instead, this video is a little dark, and he makes out his own sleeping features.
What is this?
He clicks play, and Wei Wuxian’s mischievous laughter comes through the speakers.
“Lan Zhan look at you!” he teases, and Lan Wangji’s feels his body melt with how much affection is in his voice.
“You drank too much, er-gege! But it’s okay because your loving fiancé is right here to take care of you! I’ll tell you this in the morning, but I thought I’d record you to let you know just how dead you look when you’re drunk-sleep- I mean, really, look at you! Knocked, the fuck, out!”
The camera gets closer to Lan Wangji’s peaceful features, before turning into Wei Wuxian’s obnoxiously close face. He smiles, bringing his eyes closer to the camera.
“I’m so happy! I love you, Lan Zhan! I love you, and I am so excited to marry you! We’re gonna take on this world and we’re gonna kick its ass! The ultimate couple! But it will wait for when you wake up, okay? I wanna be right here every time you wake up- even if I go back to sleep because your whole 5am thing is ridiculous, and you can’t make me do it. You can’t! Still! Love you!”
Wei Wuxian’s face is blurry through Lan Wangji’s happy tears, a relieved smile on his face. He replays the clip, over and over, memorizing the words, holding on to them deep in his heart.
‘I wanna be right here every time you wake up-’
I do too.
I want to be there.
Having such a soulmate in this life is enough.
Moments like these, moments where he caught Wei Wuxian loving him unconditionally- these were why he felt so strongly to have those words on their wedding bands. Lan Wangji loves him so much, and no matter what happens when Wei Wuxian wakes- and he holds on tight to the faith that he will awaken- he will make sure that his husband knows how much he is loved in return. Maybe he’s not ready to put everything back up, to go back to the state of old, but he knows he’s one step closer now, thanks to his husband’s encouraging words.
Month 18
A-Ling cries in Lan Wangji’s arms, and A-Yuan sniffles into his own gloves as Nie Mingjue places the large box containing Bichen and Suibian into the shallow grave he’d just dug out of frozen dirt. They shared a box, as A-Yuan had demanded that they be buried together because ‘they loved each other so much’. Lan Xichen felt that it could be used as a teachable moment- that everyone passes on, that they can still be loved and remembered fondly.
The hardest part had been before the burial. A-Yuan shuffled in his shoes, tightening his fists as he tried to be strong.
“The bunnies… they won’t wake up… Is this… is this what’s happening to Baba? Are we going to have to bury him too? Is Baba dying?”
Lan Wangji quickly enveloped him into a hug as Lan Xichen gently explained that no, Baba isn’t dying, and they won’t have to do that with him for a long, long time. A-Yuan had just begun to calm down when A-Ling toddled into the room behind Jin Guangyao, and seeing his cousin crying, he too began to bawl. Lan Wangji had to hold them both as they wept all the way through the tiny ceremony.
A sense of morbidity hangs over Lan Wangji, not just because of the death of his beloved rabbits. He could only feel grateful that the children hadn’t been the ones to discover the two unmoving bunnies that morning. In a strange way, it reminds him of when Wei Wuxian’s uncle, Jiang Fengmian, and his wife Madame Yu had passed away within short time of each other. Though he showed a brave face in front of his brother and sister, Lan Wangji remembered how shaken Wei Wuxian had been.
Not only is it so scary that they’re dead, he’d explained, but I’ve never seen Madame Yu so… lost. I don’t ever want to be that alone, Lan Zhan.
Jin Guangyao burns a couple incense sticks and places them over the now filled grave, while Lan Xichen says a few kind words about the fluffy bunnies and how they’re going to be so happy in bunny heaven with their full grass fields and bowls full of carrots.
“But only after they eat dinner,” A-Yuan adds, squeezing Lan Wangji. A-Ling nods. “Sweets after dinner, like Jiujiu Lan says,” he affirms. Lan Xichen smiles fondly, amending his statement to include sweets after dinner only. Once the ceremony is over, the Bobos offer their last condolences as they leave, and A-Yuan and A-Ling are laid down for their afternoon naps. The space finally quiet, Lan Wangji takes some time to think. Sitting on the couch, he pulls out the chain with Wei Wuxian’s rings on them, a gift from Lan Xichen as a way to keep Wei Wuxian ‘close to his heart’, and holds them to his lips.
While he’s blessed that Wei Wuxian is recovering, it’s terrifying to think of the alternative. His heart would likely want to pass on in the same way the bunnies had, but he has A-Yuan and A-Ling to think about. Bichen and Suibian were their first babies; he hates that he’s going to have to tell Wei Wuxian that they didn’t survive, in the same way that he hated having to explain to his bunnies that their exuberant parent wasn’t coming back home for them.
It breaks his heart, but, to Lan Wangji’s surprise and relief, he’s become accustomed to dealing with these things. He’s no longer a wreck every day; he manages to take care of himself, A-Yuan, and A-Ling, teaches his classes, attends the orchestra, and is doing much better. This is just one day, one step ahead, and he is going to survive it. He won’t have good news for Wei Wuxian when he awakes, but he refuses to greet his husband with chaos when he does- Wei Wuxian would deserve better than that. They all did.
Riding the high, Lan Wangji makes a bold choice. Digging in the guest room closet, he pulls out a couple of boxes and tears them open. His breath leaves him in a melancholic, yet fond way. The picture on the top is of Wei Wuxian beaming as he holds up Suibian, Bichen hopping underneath him demanding equal attention. He rubs his finger across the glass, sniffling, and looks to the wall. Finding its original hook (despite how long it’s been, he could never forget where everything belonged) Lan Wangji hangs it.
Some pictures he leaves down, planning to replace them with some of his son or his nephew, and he sorts those to the side. When he finds his wedding photo, he pauses, sniffling. It couldn’t have been more perfect if it had been planned, but the captured moment of them staring into each other’s eyes, blissful and happy and in love- well, Lan Wangji knows that his heart still burns just as intensely for Wei Wuxian as it did that day. The picture goes right into the middle.
Pulling out his phone, he plays the clip that he saved so long ago, of his husband showing how much he loved him. With Wei Wuxian’s voice, he truly begins to unpack. A botched attempt at a waving figurine on the side table, a tiny cup of paperclips and arcade coins ‘that I will definitely need at some point, Lan Zhan’ placed on another. The rabbit shaped bowl that he’d bought to surprise Lan Wangji, back on the table with his keys; a gorgeously carved wine bottle from a winery they visited placed back on the bookshelf.
“Diedie? Baba?”
A-Yuan stands nervously at the threshold, fidgeting. His face falls when he realizes it’s just a recording, and he moves forward, leaning curiously into one of the boxes.
“Would you like to help me put the pictures back up, A-Yuan?”
When A-Yuan smiles, Lan Wangji sees so much of Wei Wuxian’s mannerisms in him. Just one more piece of his heart that he shares.
“This one goes there! I remember! Baba was so happy with his tiny fish! Or this one!” Cackling, A-Yuan holds his sides. “When somebody said they brought a dog and he jumped into the pool!”
The collage is almost complete when a sleepy A-Ling toddles into the room.
“Gege?” He holds out a hand for A-Yuan, who immediately goes over and walks him to sit in Lan Wangji’s lap.
“We’re talking about my Baba! Your Jiujiu!”
“Jiujiu… Jiang?”
“No, not Shushu Jiang!”
Lan Wangji shakes his head. “Jiujiu Wei. My husband, A-Yuan’s Baba.”
“Jiujiu… Wei…? You mean sleepy Jiujiu?” A-Ling had been so little when everything happened, that discussing Wei Wuxian’s accident, as well as introducing him to his deceased parents, had been a delicate topic. In this, Jiang Cheng was surprisingly more forward, making sure A-Ling knew all about him, Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan.
“Yes! You’ll really like Baba!” A-Yuan exclaims. “He loves good movies like you do, and he likes to play a lot! He takes me to the park whenever I’m done with homework and chores.”
“I hate chores,” A-Ling comments, scowling.
“A-Ling,” admonishes his uncle. A-Ling only has to pick up his toys and put them into the bin, he’s too young for ‘hate’, but with the fits he’s thrown about doing it, it can only be the truth.
“He helped me learn how to do my math homework too!”
A-Ling ponders this, a chubby fist in his mouth. “Will sleepy Jiujiu Wei like Ponyo?”
“Mn.”
“He will!”
“Then I like Jiujiu Wei!”
Lan Wangji and A-Yuan spend the next couple hours expounding on Wei Wuxian, and A-Yuan even goes so far as to pull out all his old art to entertain them both with. With pride, Lan Wangji gives him some painter’s tape, and he sticks them on the wall. Of course, A-Ling wants to join in, and adds his crayon scribbles (that they make sure to thoroughly applaud, lest he cry) of what he and Jiujiu Wei will play together to the wall. They even beg Lan Wangji to draw something, and he creates a stick figure drawing of himself, Wei Wuxian, A-Yuan, and A-Ling holding hands. With a proud head pat for his Diedie, A-Yuan sticks it in the middle. The reminiscing leaves Lan Wangji warmer and more content than he’s felt in over a year. He can’t wait to show Wei Wuxian how much his son and nephew have grown, how much they love him (or in A-Ling’s case, how much he will love him). I did my best, he’ll tell him. I did my best to provide them with as much love and as much of a support system and consistency as I could. They will have a happy childhood. But things are going to be so much better when you’re there. Look at this gallery of their love. They’ve missed you so.
I’ve missed you so.
The Last Day
Lan Wangji is just packing his things to go to lunch at the SSLTC when his phone rings. The tune, his own composition titled Wangxian, lets him know that it must be about his husband.
“Lan Wangji?” Dr. Wen quickly speaks, a little breathless. It’s disconcerting, and Lan Wangji’s voice shakes as he replies.
“Mn?”
“I’ve got news.”
“Okay?”
“Well,” she pauses, before chuckling excitedly. “Your husband is awake.”
Being swept off of his feet would have had less effect; Lan Wangji falls into his seat, his heart in his throat.
They’re the words he’s waited two long years to hear, and yet after so long it almost feels hard to believe.
“Truly?” he breathes. Let this not be a dream, let this be real…
“Indeed. He’s on his way back from an MRI now; I wanted to check on his brain as soon as possible given a couple things. He’s… uh… he’s a little confused, but he’s awake. We’ll discuss the important details when you get here. I’ve called Jiang Cheng as well.”
Stepping around a topic is noticeably uncomfortable for the doctor, but Lan Wangji decides to bask in the positivity of the moment.
“Okay. Thank you, Dr. Wen… thank you.” He can hardly convey how grateful he is to her, but she seems to understand anyway.
“It’s no worries.” Her voice is amused. “He’s definitely a joy to be around already; flirting and teasing despite having been unconscious for two years.”
That sounded about right. “He is always a joy. I’ll be there soon.”
Rushing to his car, it takes everything in him to drive safely and responsibly to the nursing home. When he reaches the familiar door, Jiang Wanyin wavers in front. Their emotions reflect in one another; the trepidation to open the door into what will be a new chapter. They’d already discussed what this day might entail, but the real thing feels… not so real. When Lan Wangji impatiently moves to open the door, Jiang Wanyin hisses, opening it himself.
Behind Wen Ning, they see another set of weak limbs being laid into the bed, thin fingers grasping at the covers as they try to adjust to usage. Eyebrows scrunched, Wei Wuxian pouts at the set up, and looks up. When he sees those eyes, open for the first time in so long, Lan Wangji almost breaks into exultant tears. They’re tired, bemused, but they’re the same beautiful shade they’ve always been, and they’re staring back at him in disbelief.
“Jiang Cheng, Lan Zhan, what is going on?” Wei Wuxian asks, voice raspy. “These mean nurses and doctors won’t tell me what happened!”
It’s so blasé, as if ‘what happened’ hasn’t been a tragic accident, two years of a coma; two years of Lan Wangji’s excruciating emotional pain, of nightmares, of the agony of regret, and the burn of new growth. It’s a sharp blow, but Lan Wangji perseveres.
“You do not remember?”
“No…?”
Okay, okay, this is fine. He just woke. Dr. Wen said he was a little confused.
Pushing down his panic, and introduction plan be damned, Lan Wangji tells him the truth.
“You were in a car accident, Wei Ying.”
The worst moment of both of our lives. You were in a car accident, and you were hurt, and I’ve been so lost without you but I’m so happy and relieved you’re back because I love you and-
“We’ve been waiting a long time for you to wake.”